Blessed be the name of the Lord

30 days until I fly.... seems way too short. I've started packing because I know I'll have overweight bags and I know I need to be strategic about what to bring but mostly I'm packing already because I know it keeps me from being in denial about heading back. I'm not ready. I wish I felt excited about going back to Uganda. But the truth is I don't. I keep telling myself it isn't about the feeling. I know in my head that it is the right thing to do but it would be easier if my heart wanted it. Those last few months were hard, frustrating, lonely .... I spent a lot of time with very sick patients, or in bed, sick myself, or up in Karamoja alone and tired, or discontented with things that were going on, or extremely frustrated with IT or grieving with teammates.

Someone asked me what I miss the most when I'm in Uganda and I don't even know how to succinctly express it. Here I play volleyball once a week with friends and love it. I'm leading a bible study in a drug rehab facility and am feeling extremely challenged but not overwhelmed, unlike some of the ministry in Lormoruchbae which feels like far more than I can handle. I'm part of another bible study which flows naturally and we don't struggle with cross cultural understanding, language barriers or illiteracy. It feels so comforting. I watch stupid movies with my brothers. I run with my sister-in-law several times a week. I've logged more than 70 miles in the last two months. I can't run like that in Soroti and certainly not in Karamoja! And most of all, I spend hours playing with my nieces and nephew. I love to be around to baby-sit, go sledding, play in the sand box (those last three things even somehow all happened on the same day) read books, go on treasure hunts.

This, by the way, is not the niece I took sledding. 

So when I think of heading back and leaving all of this stuff I get nauseated. I've been praying about it. Asking God to give me back the joy. The excitement. The desire to serve Him in Uganda. I was asking for a word of encouragement that really re-ignited me. He did give me one that really spoke to me but not at all what I was thinking. Matthew 26:36-44.  About grief and loss and suffering and living authentically. Jesus said: I don't want this thing that is about to happen! Is there some other way?  But then he submitted. He fell down on his face and said not my will but yours be done. 

I know without hesitation that the work God has for me in Karamoja is not finished. He has not released me from this calling. My head says, Lord, not my will but yours be done. But my heart doesn't like it. 

Thanksgiving, we sang Blessed Be You Name. ...though there is pain in the offering, ...my heart will choose to say, blessed be your name. (I highly recommend listening to it.) 

So that is it. That is where I'm at right now. Painful but choosing to give this offering. 

Costumes

Isn't this the cutest tiny nurse you've ever seen?!

Faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! 

It is possible I had more fun than they did. 

]